2016 was about surrendering, finding balance, cultivating sisterhood, building community, and embodying self-love. Deeply grateful for all that it brought with it… the love, the pain, the joy, and the lessons embedded within the undercurrents. I am indeed forever changed. More comfortable with both my graces and imperfections than I’ve ever been. Grateful for the shadows and the light. Feeling the liberating opening of my heart ushering in the immense love that is permeating the foundation of all experience. Thrilled to be here… alive. This year I decided to let go of the pressure to set resolutions and intentions and ease into an organic flow of spontaneity and mysterious inquiry.
In reflecting back on last year, I can see that divine intervention was at work all along, though this was challenging to see at times due to feeling buried under a heaping layer of limiting mental constructs, expectations, and attachments. I went through a couple of traumatic experiences over the course of the last 12 months that had a novel flavor compared to other crises I had endured. It felt like my world and all semblance of security (pseudo security as it were) was shattering – I was forced to let go of the wheel of the energetic cargo truck that was transporting my elaborate plans, daydreams of the future, and preconceived notions of what I ‘should be’ or wanted to be doing. I was also forced to face myself – to look penetratingly deep into my psyche and the essence of who I am – it felt like I was slicing open old wounds that had scabbed over but never fully scarred. I didn’t like everything I saw or found, but I knew hiding was no longer an option. These difficulties beckoned me to explore newfound depths of strength, wisdom, and dignity I was unknowingly harboring within. Subsequent to my cup overflowing with poignant frustration, exhaustion, and emotional suffering, I surrendered control and bowed to the beauty of the mystery of life and the fullness being offered in the here and now. Despite knowing that flowing rather than resisting was the only logical and instrumental solution, the idealist and futuristic dreamer in me felt it was self deprecating to let go of my deeply ingrained ways of being. Defying the influx of impulses from my mind, I moved forward with the faint but unfaltering whispers of my heart as my guide. Through being gentle with myself in the midst of grief and pain, I rediscovered my innocence and innate divinity – a brilliant and enamoring fascination with all of life reemerged. Whether it was a blade of grass breaking through a crack in the sidewalk, a redtail hawk soaring overhead, or a returned smile from a passerby on the street, I was moved beyond language expression. The seemingly mundane became the utterly profound. I relearned the art of zen and slowing down. Of being present with the is-ness of each moment and relishing in the omnipresent love and abundance that is always right here rather than becoming consumed by dreams of the future and faraway lands – it’s true… the grass is greener wherever we are. I started trusting in the process even though I didn’t fully understand it. This was the key to unveiling what was begging to be seen.
I’ll be one of the first to admit that I am the walking epitome of a paradox. Though I love living life on a whim and haven’t the slightest hesitation in booking a plane ticket to a different continent at the drop of hat without any previous planning, I also have the tendency to cleave to an agenda and might as well spend my nights snuggling with my color coded day planner. I started calling bullshit on myself and this false sense of security I was cleaving to that was entangled within my contrived visions of the future and the life plan I was hooked on creating. This was a result of my perfectionism. Even though life was dealing some harsh blows, I wanted my emotions and circumstances to be neat and alphabetically organized like my bookshelf. Yet life and the emotions it produces can be the farthest thing from neat and beautiful. Throughout the weeks that followed, I began examining my genuine emotional state, which led to remembering that it is okay to be hurt, angry, or discouraged. These things construct pieces of our basic humanity. I allowed myself to embrace the things going on inside my heart that I considered ugly, inadequate, or unfit for external expression. The word most would use is honesty. Perfection and honesty aren’t comrads. This is because if we are to be honest, none of us are perfect. No performance, facade, or lies inside our own minds can define us as perfect. The sooner I accepted this fact, the the sooner I was able to redirect and focus less on being perfect and more on consistent growth that is realistic and healthy. While perfection and honesty are counterproductive, honesty and progress make a great team. The first step to effecting change is awareness and recognization of the patterns and thought processes that bind us to a limited framework and state of being.
I reclaimed my sovereignty as a fierce, yet gentle woman who is able to give to the world her greatest gifts of healing and service because she lives in alignment with her purpose and in reverence to herself. The pain was an initiation that was necessary for the next stage of evolution to be unearthed. I had been putting so much energy and focus into ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’ – a trend that notably began after the combination of the death of my father at the young age of 18 and becoming estranged from Tara Mandala – a Buddhist retreat center I lived and volunteered at off and on during my late teen years in my picturesque hometown in the San Juan mountains. Post TM, I rejoined the world of collegiate scholars and nomadic adventure fiends. Staying incessantly busy and maintaining an extremely active lifestyle also acted as an outlet for the emotional anguish and grief I was trudging through after the abrupt loss of my dazzling father. This, in part, led to my seeking validation and fulfillment from sources outside of myself rather than tuning into the treasures that lie inward. I prided myself on my impervious 4.0 GPA through college and nursing school, the numerous visas and stamps in my passport, the elevation of the endless peaks I was hooked on summiting, and the miles I rode on my mountain bike. ‘Alright… I’m going to rock climb, bike 20 miles, go on a 7 mile trail run, and summit a peak today!’ I often thought to myself on any given day. Not only was this fully possible in the almost always sunny state of Colorado, but the norm among my group of friends affiliated with the outdoor enthusiast culture. It seemed entirely innocuous, but subtle effects that weren’t so pleasing were beginning to reveal themselves when I would sit down to meditate or attempt to have a day of complete quiet and stillness. While I’m a strong proponent of ambition, goal setting, and pushing oneself to the limit (the capabilities, strength, and resiliency of the human body and spirit never cease to amaze me!), moderation and an inquisitive nature as to -why- I am doing something are just as important. Balance is key.
I started taking the time again to breathe deeply… and to really know that I was breathing. I relinquished the belief that if I’m not ‘doing’ I’m not ‘living.’ I was reminded that I am not defined by my cumulative accomplishments, the number of metals or diplomas collecting dust on the top shelf of my closet, the credentials after my name, or my vantage point on the professional/career ladder. I learned to love myself in my fiery rage and my blissful ecstasy. In my explosive radiant light and encapsulating darkness. Through the practice of raw acceptance of myself, others, the world at large, and the present moment regardless of what that looked or felt like, authentic soul sharing became effortless… and wow, I had forgotten how amazing it feels when we live from a place of genuine transparency, not just sometimes, but each and every waking moment! It is time to get fucking real with ourselves and eachother! It requires diligence, and it IS hard at times, but it‘s incredibly worth it and a gift not only to ourselves, but to everyone we encounter.
My passport collected more dust in 2016 (aside from a super fun getaway to Mexico with my girlfriend Sami that mostly consisted of mid-morning yoga, nude ocean swims in moonlight, slacklining/hammock lounging on exquisite beaches, and dancing salsa in vibrant nightclubs) than it has in its entire existence due to taking an unprecedented sabbatical from volunteering in third world orphanages/clinics, exploring diverse ecosystems and ancient temples, and eating exotic street cuisine and fruit whose names I rarely could pronounce in foreign countries with fellow travel lovers. Being grounded has never been my strong suit. I’ve always been well versed in planting seeds
here and there without allowing myself the reward of marveling at the roots take shape into something tangible. Of all the stereotypes/labels that have molded my image through association with others in society, ‘gypsy’ has been deemed the most prevalent. I’ve been chronically plagued by an insatiable wanderlust. It’s common knowledge among most who know me that once 6 months elapses, I‘m booking another plane reservation, turning in my two weeks notice, and logging back onto Hostelbookers or Couchsurfing.com. I’m convinced it’s woven into the very fabric of my core having been raised in an RV for the first decade of my life by parents who never ceased urging me to explore this awe-inspiring world we live in. Even now, rarely do I make it through a week at work without a coworker asking me, “So where’s your next trip?” By the time I turned nineteen, I had transferred to 5 different colleges. For the first time this last year, I was gifted with knowing what it felt like to integrate into a community – to build bonds with people that I was certain I was going to see again in the near future – this aided in the formation of another layer of self discovery and evolution as I found myself less apprehensive to fully open to others and share more wholesomely, whereas in the past, I became I skilled at saying “hello” and “goodbye” in the same conversation. This isn’t to imply that the conversations and time shared with people weren’t meaningful or insight provoking – there is certainly something phenomenal in its own right to be said about the adaptability and resiliency that accompanies living a transient and mostly solitary lifestyle. It can be inspiring, enthralling, and truly life altering to have a juicy interaction and dialogue with a complete stranger you know you will probably never see or speak to again, however, this pattern often left me with an empty feeling of isolation. With that being said, I am inexplicably thankful and humbled when I ponder the fact that I have tribe and connections spread far and wide. It also feels wonderful to soak in the waters of gratitude for the stability that has seeped into my life through the activities of reading the local newspaper (not just The New York Times or U.S.A. Today), hosting collaborative events, and getting to know the life story of my local barista/grocery store cashier.
I also started incorporating something a friend and I like to call ‘theory of little victories.’ As pedestrian as it may sound, it really is an invaluable tool to add to the repertoire of tips and tricks on ‘how to maintain day to day happiness.’ Rather than getting absorbed in the ‘big’ picture and feeling overwhelmed or overly judgmental/critical about self imposed deadlines or pressure from the outside world, at the end of the day I make a physical or mental list of all the things that transpired during the last 24 hours that I feel happy or successful about. It can be as lofty as paying off student loans and nailing that job interview, or as seemingly miniscule (not to be mistaken for insignificant) as giving a friend a shoulder rub and washing their dishes or remembering to use recyclable grocery bags.
I am so thankful to have rediscovered the revelation that life is not about bank accounts, practicality, perpetually staying busy, achievements in the outer world, or always doing what is expected of you – even if it’s something we expect of ourselves, it’s prudent to question our own motives and intentions. Why are we doing what we’re doing? Are we living from the realm of purpose and vision or have we been maintaining on autopilot mode long enough that we’ve forgotten what it means to live from an empowered place of truth and passion? Are our hearts truly involved and leading us down the avenues we take in our daily lives, and if not, why aren’t we making changes? Is our line of work fulfilling and in alignment with our soul’s calling and gifts? Taking chances, being spontaneous, and following our heart’s bliss and true purpose (regardless of what others may have to say or think) are the quintessential ingredients to creating a fulfilling existence. We are all the colors and all the in between shades. We are composed of the glimmering sparkles of life’s breath and the ruthlessness of the black abyss of death. This life is not meant to be lived in a half alive or linear fashion.
GO to the places that scare you. Exercise courage in being vulnerable. Express yourself honestly. Realize that your dreams don’t have an expiration date. Cherish each mysterious segment of the process. Get weird with it. Be open to growth, even when it comes in the form of seemingly insurmountable challenges – pain is a potent catalyst for positive change and wisdom. Sleep naked. Dance ferociously. Feel the sun on your skin. Practice loving self-talk. Make love wildly with every passionate cell in your body. Laugh obnoxiously. Eat nourishing food that acts as medicine for your form. Respect nature. Make eye contact with everyone you encounter. Howl at the moon and marvel at the stars. Write your friends letters, or better yet, show up on their doorstep unannounced. Cry when you need to. Love your body in its entirety! Never miss a chance to hug someone who needs it or say “I love you” with conviction. Your breath is your ally. Be your authentic self. Enjoy being a constant work in progress. Inspire and be inspired. And perhaps the most important of all: never allow yourself to forget that you are a mini-Universe operating within a macrocosm of infinite possibility.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
~Howard Thurman
