I find myself disgusted and saddened by how prevalent objectification and a power-control dynamic are in society, as well as how unhealthy our relationship to sexuality is as a culture. Rape has been happening since the dawn of humanity. And now, in the 21st century, we aren’t making any notable amount of leaps and strides type progress towards halting what is overlooked as a true tragedy, and likely won’t as long as people continue to be brainwashed and desensitized by media, or remain participants in warped intimate relationships and the casual sex craze dominating the millennial generation. In many ways, our accepted dating culture mirrors the destructive and disconnected horrors of a consumeristic society built on the foundation of capitalism. It’s as effortless and instantaneous to order a blowjob as it is to place an order for books on Amazon, thanks to websites like Tinder.
Our perceptions and notions surrounding sexuality are disastrously skewed. We have become unbelievably desensitized to the rampant aggression, seemingly covert undertones of dominance/proprietorship, and lack of portrayal of authentic, intimate connection…. just look at how heavily ingrained rape and objectification are in our every day TV shows, movies, and music on the radio, not to mention the rampant availability of internet pornography. Societal conditioning and media are desecrating our clarity. Where are the love and honor? When did we forget that sex is sacred? We live in a society that discourages transparent, deep, and real dialogue about sex. It’s viewed as taboo and is regularly omitted from conversation. Sex is the essence of life. It’s the reason that each and every one of us are experiencing what it is to be a living, breathing human being. Not only is it life, but it is the most sacred and holy experience that two people can share with one another when held in its truest regard. We have cultivated a society in which emphasis is placed on teaching children and teenagers mathematics and persuasive essay writing in school over how to have a healthy sexual or intimate relationship and how to know ourselves and relate with others. More often than not, boy’s and girl’s sex education consists of pornography or R rated movies. It’s not okay…. the way that movies, books, magazines, and social media implant the notion in our heads that our bodies aren’t magnificent temples, that perpetuate us treating each other’s bodies unconsciously and not revering the truth: that we are all here because of sex… that sex is the sacred essence of all life.
Women are especially subjected to a barrage of degrading comments and frames of reference. The vast majority of women I have a conversation with have been sexually assaulted, physically hit, violated in some way (whether it be through unwanted physical contact or emotional abuse), or have felt oppressed and objectified in some manner. 1 out of every 5 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Every 30 seconds in the U.S., a woman is raped. This isn’t solely a feminist issue. Men are exploited and at risk for marginalization as well. I commit to being a part of the solution in healing the collective sexuality on the planet. This blog post as a whole was inspired by an intensive training I’m currently undergoing in learning the ropes of sexual assault nurse examining. The sexual assault nurse plays a liaison role for those in the judicial system and medical field through providing emotional support, medical treatment/evaluation, and collecting forensic evidence to potentially be used in court. This is a service available to women, men, and children who been have sexually assaulted/raped. It’s challenging work, but I feel extremely passionate about it and called to invoke my utmost strength and compassion in being with and listening to those who have suffered such trauma and tragedy. The world is both an ugly and beautiful place – it is all too easy to turn our backs on the oppression and suffering that occurs because we see ourselves as being detached and unaffected by it as long as we don’t acknowledge it or get directly involved. This is a convenient story we like to repeat in our minds and eventually come to believe. The truth is, we are all in this together and ever inter-connected. The world is a great big mirror that we look into every day – are we willing to truly see?
People, it is TIME to reclaim our inner power and sovereignty! The time has come to unify our sexuality with our voice and to be silenced no more! To say NO when we mean no and to only say YES when we feel it with every fragment of our being. The time has come to show up authentically and stand in the fires of transformation fueled by truth and empowerment! We were not put on this earth to incessantly consume fast food and clock in at a 9 to 5 job that isn’t fed by our deepest passion so that we can pay bills, eventually retie, then start living the life we think we want only to realize that our clock is running out and it dawns on us that we didn’t cultivate the garden that harbors what was actually important and priceless. We were made to LOVE, to laugh and play and dance, to inspire and be inspired, to heal ourselves and each other, to experience the ecstasy and magic which accompanies having a body and being a sacred, sexual creature created in the Divine’s image! Let us not forget that life is immensely beautiful and precious amidst the madness. Finding balance through living from a place of awareness of the totality of human existence is key. The light and dark are endlessly dancing with one another.
People, it is TIME to reclaim our inner power and sovereignty! The time has come to unify our sexuality with our voice and to be silenced no more! To say NO when we mean no and to only say YES when we feel it with every fragment of our being. The time has come to show up authentically and stand in the fires of transformation fueled by truth and empowerment! We were not put on this earth to incessantly consume fast food and clock in at a 9 to 5 job that isn’t fed by our deepest passion so that we can pay bills, eventually retie, then start living the life we think we want only to realize that our clock is running out and it dawns on us that we didn’t cultivate the garden that harbors what was actually important and priceless. We were made to LOVE, to laugh and play and dance, to inspire and be inspired, to heal ourselves and each other, to experience the ecstasy and magic which accompanies having a body and being a sacred, sexual creature created in the Divine’s image! Let us not forget that life is immensely beautiful and precious amidst the madness. Finding balance through living from a place of awareness of the totality of human existence is key. The light and dark are endlessly dancing with one another.
The following raw piece was predominantly written by one of my dear sisters, Dakota Chanel, one of my forever inspirations, and someone whose life experiences I largely relate to in a myriad of ways, including many of our sexual experiences as children, teenagers, and now, adult women. I added and inserted many of my own specific sentiments/memories in addition.
I say NO
to you convincing me when I’m 7 years old that I should let you put your mouth on my nipples… and in exchange, I should touch your penis because “you saw it on TV”
I say NO
to you locking the bedroom door and standing in front of it as I frantically tried to leave when you came onto me while you were babysitting me and made me kiss and lick your vagina after I said, “please, I don’t feel like doing this”…. then made me swear that I would remain silent and not tell our parents…. that was only the first time
I say NO
to you locking the bedroom door and standing in front of it as I frantically tried to leave when you came onto me while you were babysitting me and made me kiss and lick your vagina after I said, “please, I don’t feel like doing this”…. then made me swear that I would remain silent and not tell our parents…. that was only the first time
I say NO
to you holding my head forcibly in place while I pleasure you orally from a place of devotion and love
I say NO
to blowjobs in your car while driving because if I don’t I know it will be held against me later
I say NO
to being under the assumption that we were going to go watch a movie at your house and finding myself in a bedroom where you fucked me for five minutes before my vagina was wet and then invited two of your friends in and pointed in my direction as they made their way over and took turns fucking me again
I say NO
to taking shots of whiskey with you at a bonfire, having consensual, unprotected sex, then being woken up in the middle of the night to you saying, “I told you I was going to wake you up in the middle of the night and fuck the shit out of you” as you proceed to pull my jeans down and stick your penis in me again after I said ’stop’ …. but I was still drunk, so that makes it okay, right?
I say NO
to agreeing to lose my virginity with you because I thought we loved each other … in a cold dorm room after you’ve been drinking and never hearing from you again after that night and being ashamed and afraid of the blood coming out of my vagina afterward… I was sore for days.
I say NO
to being at our friend’s house, watching a movie on the couch and feeling your fingers slip into my yoni without consent or permission while people were watching – I was still a virgin and it hurt and isn’t what I wanted. I was perfectly content with cuddles.
I say NO
to that which keeps us silent and frozen in a place of shame and blame.
I say NO
to watching porn together while we would have sex and wanting nothing more than to dissociate from the experience every time
I say NO
to faking an orgasm because of fear of you getting angry or labeling me as defunct
I say NO
to you watching pornography daily and convincing me there was nothing wrong with your “healthy” sexual practices
I say NO
to finding playboy magazines hidden under the mattress and hearing you talk about women in an objectifying way and wanting me to join in, saying we can celebrate women’s sexiness together
I say NO
to you masturbating to other women and telling me how faithful you are.
I say NO
I don’t want to have sex right now.
I say NO
to you painfully thrusting your penis too deep and fast into my vagina and feeling me flinch and not stopping or checking in
I say NO
to you angrily, aggressively and possessively trying to claim me as your property through sexual dominance and name calling when I told you I didn’t want to be with you anymore
I say NO
to you calling me a slut or a whore because I wouldn’t participate in your rape fantasy
I say NO
to compromising the intuition of my body.
I say NO
to staying in relationships when I know their due date is up.
I say NO
to anything that doesn’t feel like a YES in my body.
I say NO
to betraying myself and my brothers and sisters of this earth any longer by remaining silent and giving up my power
I say YES
to all of the perceived hardships I’ve been through being a catalyst for personal and collective healing
I say YES
to you worshipping my body like it’s the most precious thing you’ve laid your hands upon
I say YES
to you telling me we can and should wait to have sex because you want to continue exploring each other on other levels and you don’t love me for my body
I say YES
to you patiently and lovingly opening my body up to having a gushing orgasm after fear in my mind shut my yoni and heart down from the emotional pain that ensued after the culmination of my last relationship
I say YES
to you holding me with tender devotion while I weep after our love making because it is so deep and exquisite that I can’t believe I had accepted any less and feel magically speechless
I say YES
to the men who have touched me with a truly open and pure heart and soul that was refined enough to hear what my body wanted without words.
I say YES
to you asking what pleases me and how to pleasure me more because you know that all women are different and you want to know my body like your own.
I say YES
to feeling heard and seen as you remained in a present and open state with me while we sat in nature and I shared the memory of being molested as a child
I say YES
to tasting your sweet nectar because it’s like tasting the divine
I say YES
to you helping me have an electrifying orgasm and saying that you are fully satisfied without ejaculating
I say YES
to you asking me to breathe and slow down so we can fully savor the immaculate experience of being inside of each other in this moment
I say YES
to making love intentionally without being attached to any outcome
I say YES
to being in such a state of orgasmic bliss that I feel I am reaching altered states of evolved consciousness
I say YES
to returning to a state of pristine innocence and laughter during love making
I say YES
to you melting into me and me into you until we merge into the timeless Love that made the entire universe.
I say YES
to you knowing the perfect moment to pull my hair and spank my ass in a way that still emanates the vibration of the words, “I care about you.”
I say YES
to you massaging my entire body front and back with coconut oil in candlelight for an hour and holding me without having sex afterward.
I say YES
to feeling the ubiquitous connection to God through our sexual union
I say YES
to equal permission
I say YES
to listening deeply to my body and speaking from Her knowing
I say YES
to healing the wounds of silence, shame, and disempowered acquiescence buried deep within myself and the collective
I say YES
to liberating the bird of freedom from the cage of shame, guilt, and regret
“Before I understand how to open with you, I tried giving you orgasms so I knew I was a good lover. But now, all I want is your surrender. I want your heart’s pleasure to ripple through your open body and saturate my life with your love. Your body’s openness to love’s flow draws me into you, and through your heart’s surrender I am opened to the love that lives as the Universe. Whether you have an orgasm or not while we make love, your body’s trust and devotional openness is my secret doorway to love’s deepest bliss.” -David Deida