I’ve had several people (mostly females, but some males as well) recently ask me for relationship advice. I feel honored that there are folks placing their trust in what I have learned (and continue to discover) through my own journey and through working as a SANE RN (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) with women who were in abusive situations. This is a long share… but I don’t doubt that you will resonate with parts or all of it if you take a few minutes of your time to skim it.
Have you been with, or are you currently with a man/woman who oscillates between extremes? For instance… he/she either puts you on a pedestal and compliments you excessively or takes immense stock of your achievements (also known as love bombing), particularly when you first met and were in the ‘getting to know eachother’ phase of your relationship but now the tempo and overall feel of your relationship has changed?
Did you initially go from having an immense amount of passionate love-making to hardly any now… as if it’s a task/chore and spontaneity has gone out the window or perhaps, your partner isn’t even interested in having sex with you anymore…
A big key to be aware of is that there is a difference between genuine appreciation and interest in who you are and what you stand for versus a lack of legitimate depth and true devotion. The other radical side of the spectrum could be frequently putting you down, not acknowledging your accomplishments, or showing zero interest in what you are passionate about and what you are working toward in your life.
It is best to aim for balance, equality, and healthy neutrality in partnerships. If a man, or woman, constantly puts you on a pedestal and reveres you in some supernatural fashion, dotes on you, brags about you, etc, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship, this is a potential red flag to pay attention to.
We are all human. When we meet another human and experience those lovey-dovey feels, it is natural to want to show them off and share the goodness we see in them with the world, yet there is a difference between a true compliment emanating from a place of confident authenticity, as well as a genuine desire to reflect the loveliness you see in this person back to them and share what you appreciate and like about them openly, versus a compliment rooted in soil that is rotten with stale patterns of codependency/unhealthy attachment, sexual gain, power, control, a desire to possess or manipulate, and fear.
Do you ask yourself AND your mate the questions: “Why does this person think I am as amazing as they say I am?” “Why are they interested in investing their time and energy in me and in us as a couple?” “What are they seeking from me and within the container we are co-creating?”
If he tells you things like: “you are the most beautiful woman he has met” or “the best thing that has happened to him,” have you or do you intend to ask him to elucidate and elaborate… do you dig deeper and peel back the layers to discover what he truly means by these types of comments and perceived compliments that are boosts to our feminine egos?
Too often as women, we are complacent and comfortable with accepting these types of statements from men with a ‘thank you,’ smile and perhaps an internal celebration, thinking “yay, it feels good when he acknowledges me. I love being in love with a loving man.” To clarify, I’m not saying not to accept compliments! DO accept them! Own your worth and love yourself as others love you. Accept the compliment, genuinely. Notice how you feel upon receiving it.
Other pertinent points to reflect on:
- Do you ensure that these are not cookie-cutter, generic statements he has at his disposal in his acquired toolbox and that they are coming from a place deep within the wells of his heart and innermost being?
- Is he a man or is she a woman of high character and morals— have you personally witnessed any examples that aid in you being able to attest to this, even if it’s as simple as observing his or her interaction with the grocery store cashier? How is his relationship with those in his community… with his family?
- Do you intuit authenticity within their words? Are they solidified through action and a maintenance of their ‘word?’
- Does he CONSISTENTLY communicate in a deep and introspective manner, or does he merely appear to be a talented communicator on a first or second brief encounter because of his ‘airy-fairy, seemingly healthy love-without-attachment’ sort of vibe/language (sometimes shielded by a contrived spiritual façade/persona).
- Is his/her desire to be in an open relationship emanating from a place of actually wanting to work on him/herself and unravel patterns of jealousy and control, or is it because he/she is terrified of real commitment and not having a multiple options to jump back and forth between?
- Does he or she avoid communication topics that are ‘uncomfortable?’ Being willing to talk about the harder stuff with eachother that often creates friction in relationships when left uncommunicated is so important.
I, myself, for years, had a very difficult if not impossible time discerning and sorting through the intricacies that accompany this type of deep work and reflection within relationships. It doesn’t come naturally as mammalian animals at our biological core. It’s a learned art… a skill if you will, that for me, has unfortunately and simultaneously been the result of some unhealthy and even abusive relationship dynamics and subsequent trauma.
When intense emotions are added in the mix, and neuro-chemistry fluctuates and changes, especially if we are sexually entwined with someone, this type of processing can go out the window and we can find ourselves adhering to the ‘ignorance is bliss’ adage unintentionally on a subconscious level that we aren’t tuned into or aware of.
***Keys for me in unraveling the mystery and breeding fulfilling relationships across the spectrum are:
- Don’t be afraid to ask the real questions or potentially rock the boat a bit / COMMUNICATE fully, openly, and in as straight-forward a way as possible – no topic should be off limits:
You or your mate may even feel as though you are being too ‘brutally honest’ or overly blunt. Just remember to check yourself before you wreck yourself 😉 and tune in. Ensure you are inquiring and sharing from a place of love, exploration, and real curiosity – you are on a quest for valuable information. Authenticity isn’t always sparkly. It’s raw. Icky. And also beautiful and noteworthy.
- TIME spent and ACTIONS speak infinitely louder than words:
Actions come from the soul. Words can also, but often they are hastily birthed from the analytical mind. Language has its limitations. If your loved one or a friend is sick, rather than texting, “hope you feel better soon” or “let me know if you need anything,” why not just take the initiative? Ask if you can stop by with some hot soup and yummy tea or better yet, just show up (you know how most people are really good at denying help 😉 ). If interacting in person isn’t an option, maybe you suggest FaceTime instead of a regular phone call to intersperse some human-ness in the mix.
*Don’t overextend yourself, and don’t pry or insist on forcing your way in if the person on the receiving end has made it clear they are appreciating their alone time and space, but I always recommend taking action as this truly shows concern about another’s well-being and that you are willing to invest in that person.
Bottom line: Be more human. We didn’t always have cell phones or snapchat. Time is a precious resource that we can’t regain, so to gift someone with it speaks volumes. When this isn’t possible because of geographic distance, home-life, etc… phones are convenient and better than nothing. But, there’s always letter writing versus texting too! I’ve never known someone who didn’t feel over-joyed and appreciated/loved upon receiving mail.
- Find out how your friend, lover, or relative communicates love and feels loved:
The meaning behind the 5 love languages is fucking gold! According to Gary Hendricks, there are five primary love languages including: acts of service, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and touch. We all receive and show love in different ways. While all of the above are important, one or two might be indispensable to one person versus another. My main love language is touch, followed by quality time, and this has shifted for me over the years. I used to really value being given gifts, and gifting others, but now I feel that spending time with those we love, and touch (hugging, kissing, cuddling, massaging), are invaluable. *The very first language we are exposed to as babies when we are in utero and first come out of the womb is touch.
- Do your best to foster SELF-AWARENESS (this is a toughie), not only when alone, but also when interacting with others:
What is it YOU seek from another… what motives exist for you? Are there expectations involved? In what ways do you perhaps react rather than respond? Do you resort to subtle passive-aggressive tactics when your mate, friend, or relative doesn’t ‘show up’ in the way you think they should or expected them to?
Next step… tune in with your body and breath. It may take closing the eyes for a few seconds. Feel your chest rise and fall. Notice if your jaw is clenched even in the slightest and if your chest feels expansive or constricted as you inhale and exhale. Our bodies are always interpreting the world around us and communicating signals to us. These are wonderful aids in guiding us forward and helping us make decisions when we are struggling to do so.
- Maintain healthy BOUNDARIES:
You and you alone know what is best for you, PERIOD. Here’s a biggie: **Don’t expect your mate or friends to know what your boundaries are if you chose not to communicate them.
While we as humans have similar operating systems when it comes to emotions and biochemistry/physiology, we all have patterns and autopilot modes that stem from our individual experiences, upbringing, and traumas we have experienced throughout our individual lives. Know your boundaries, what is appropriate vs. inappropriate to you, and let those you care about or spend regular time with know. Maybe your boundaries still won’t be respected and you are given the answers you needed to make a decision, maybe the relationship will still come to a halt, but at least you were transparent about them and did what you could.
- Lastly, I’ve found THERAPY to be cardinal in healing and nurturing relationships, especially romantic ones:
*It’s a red flag if your partner is unwilling to at least try therapy with you if it is something you express as being important and of significant interest. If the words, “I don’t need therapy… that’s a waste – I’m fine” or “There’s nothing that person can help us with that we can’t fix ourselves” come out of their mouth… Smh… tread cautiously.
There are obviously many different forms of therapy – art, talk, music, visualization, sound, even sexual. Sometimes it really helps to receive advice, perspective, and pointers from an unbiased, neutral human and to be in a ‘safe’ environment/space to let everything out that has been brewing. If contention does arise, it can be handled appropriately and mitigated if needed by someone licensed who has worked with all types of situations across the spectrum and will surely have tools that are instrumental in creating a constructive end result for all involved.
